Childhood always brings back such memories.
For the past few months, I have been asking myself about my real purpose. I have been trying to understand myself and try new things. I have been looking for an answer to the vague question in my mind. I have been searching for signs and reasons on what should I pursue.
If you have read my previous blog, I have tackled there the fact that I am working hard without specific purpose in my mind. I just work for the sake of doing something. Now, I have found one reason to pursue what I have been doing so far. I have been tutoring several students and there I have met kids and teenagers with different learning preferences and capacities. During the short period of time, I have experienced different things which challenged me as a tutor. I have met kids who are mentally advanced, but emotionally unstable. They are the ones who really made me cracked my mind open. I am always wondering on what should I do with them.
The other kid is uncontrollable and very distracted in class. The other one is always talking unrelated stuff in class. The other one is smart, but not diligent in doing the school activities. If they have something in common that is their intellectual capacity. They are unbelievably intelligent. If I compare them to other kids on their age, they are one step higher to them. The problem is they have emotional and social issues. After knowing this, I said to myself that I am not going to be curious about why they are like that, but I want to continue observing them.
Because of them, I have asked myself several times if I am an effective support on their learning. After meeting them, I got curious whether they have learned something today or have I really contributed something to them. I am disappointed every time I feel like I was not a big help to them. Do I really need to be a big help to them? Despite the challenges, I have continued meeting them. The good thing about this is not all the time I feel disappointed, there are also instances that I feel happy seeing them. Maybe I have created an attachment because I have trying to understand them.
Now, one of those kids have shown progress. I don’t know if I was part of that , but I am still happy that she has improved. She became responsible now of her school tasks and activities she is already trying to pass them on time. I am proud of her. She once made me feel like was not good enough as a tutor. She is one of the students who actually doesn’t need a big help, but just a small help. She doesn’t really need the excellent explanations to the theories and solutions to the problems, what she really needed was a little motivation and a person who would listen to her. She needed someone who will understand her and not to judge her. She needed the ear to listen and heart to appreciate her efforts. There, I have realized that being a teacher means not to really push yourself to become a big help to the students, but even a little help would eventually made a big change to them.
We have to live life not death.
I once asked myself this question. It happened recently that I have found the answer. It led me to a realization that sometimes the happy moments we thought to be permanent and life changing are just momentary. That must be the reason why it was called moments. Upon having that thought, I said to myself:
I think this is the reason why I feel empty the day after I get so happy. It was because those are just fleeting happiness. They existed just to make me happy for certain days. Well, I don’t wanna settle for ephemeral happiness, I want to strive for permanence. Yet, is that even possible?”
People all live to strive for happiness and success, but the kind of happiness they aim differs. Some just live for things that can give them joy for several days and nights. So, they might drink and party all night; go shopping and buy themselves luxuries; and feed themselves good and expensive food. I am not saying that doing these is wrong, it is just that how long can these things make you happy and forget your worries? One day? Two days? Three days? Just how long? If you can count how many days these will take you to be happy, then don’t just put yourself with all of these. Moreover, ask yourself is this happiness or just mere pleasure? According to Ackerman (2020) on his article entitled “What Is Hapiness And Why Is It Important?” Happiness is a state characterized by feelings of contentment and satisfaction with one’s life or current situation. On the other hand, pleasure is a more visceral, in-the-moment experience. It often refers to the sensory-based feelings we get from experiences like eating good food, getting a massage, receiving a compliment, or having sex.
Meanwhile, is permanent happiness even possible? I have mentioned earlier that we should all strive for permanent happiness and how can we even do that? Well, I am still not in the position to give you an advice on how to achieve the latter phrase, yet I will provide you the information coming from some experts. First based on the article posted by Lyubomirsky (2008) entitled “Is It Possible To Become Lastingly Happier?” highlighted that Happiness is attainable, if you are prepared to do the work. Much like with permanent weight loss and fitness, becoming lastingly happier demands making some permanent changes, requiring effort and commitment every day of your life. In a more detailed explanation, here are the strategies present in the said article that can help you achieve permanent happiness: Counting your blessing, Practicing acts of kindness, nurturing optimism, learning to forgive, increasing “flow” experiences, Investing in relationship, Avoid overthinking and Savoring Life’s joys. Another book named “Permanent Happiness: The Only Way to Find Peace, Joy, and Your Life-Given Purpose by Iyabo Ojikutu, MD said that Permanent Happiness outlines three easy steps to pursuing permanent happiness. It tackles key life situations we encounter during our daily living and shows how to pursue peace and be positive influencers on those around us. When our lives are in balance, we discover we let go of the stress and worry that arise when life throws us curveballs. This was supported by the Review of Susana Pena for Readers’ Favorite which expressed that permanent happiness comes from inner peace. Without this peace, our happiness will only last temporarily, because of the many external influences that are constantly changing in our lives. Every human being is responsible for their own happiness and they can achieve this goal by making sure that their spiritual and physical life lines are flowing in a straight line parallel to each other. Our spiritual health is related to our physical well being and we must nourish our souls the same way that we nourish our bodies. We also are all born with God-given gifts and it is up to us to use them wisely in order to positively influence people who are around us.
Hence, I can say that there is permanence in happiness and we have to believe, act and continously motivate ourselves to aspire for that.
Throughout the years I have seen myself working hard, but you know what is missing? It’s my purpose of working hard.
“Everything is vague. Nothing comes back to what I am doing. It’s pointless.”
I keep on working and trying things without even knowing my real goals and desires. I just work because I don’t want to sit and procrastinate. I just work in the sense of working alone. I lost that sense of working with a purpose.
Oh, I see…maybe it is the reason I feel so tired after work. So, maybe this is why I feel so disappointed about myself.
Upon realizing that, I asked myself what really my goal is? I don’t know. I hate myself for not knowing what I really want. Is it just me?
I have a friend, when she talks about her dreams she definitely have that burning desire in her eyes. When she talks about it, it’s as if she is willing to jump the verge. I envy her. I envy how she dreams.
Until now, I honestly don’t know what I really want. I can’t see myself working on something in the future which gives me that passion. I know that some people might say that I am so idealistic and full of fantasies, but let me tell you since I have been living my life just according to what the world offers me. I feel so forfeited.
If there’s something I have realized about life at my age today, it’s the value of dreams. Starting today, think of what you really love to do. START INVESTING IN YOUR DREAMS. Choose working on something that is opening the gate of your purpose.
“I want to trust my hard work. I want to trust my experience.”
Have you ever felt like you are not being productive for the whole day? It is when you close your eyes at night and you become ashamed of yourself for accomplishing nothing. That is exactly what I feel when procrastination hits me. Admit it. If you have nothing to do, your mind keeps wandering and a realization is that it is not helpful at all. You are training your mind to dwell in visions. What good will it bring to you? Nevertheless, if you know how to manage your time everything will fall into place.
That is what I thought about when I started managing my time. Well, it is really easy to say it, but the hardest part is when it is done. Let me share a part of my journey, upon graduating from college I am so eager to find a job even though I am preparing for my licensure examination. I want to earn money immediately to buy what I want. I want things to be so quick. That is what I still believe until now. I want to make use of all my time. Not to waste any of it. Going back, while I am working I have coupled that with reviewing. Since that job starts at 2:00 pm until 10:00 p.m. I only have free time after 10 pm and before 2 pm, so I use that to review. At first, it is freaking hard and I cannot get used to it. Like after my job I have to scan my notes or listen to some recorded lectures just to learn something and the moment I wake up I still face those reviewers. The fun part is that I do this with my very close friends. Since we live in one boarding house we can share and talk about a particular thing. It is a challenging part of working and reviewing. The sad part is that I have to resign from that job two months before my board exam, so I could give my attention to reviewing. It is a hard decision for me because that is my first job and I like what I am doing there. Fast forward, I pass the board exam and I already found a job while it is released.
Currently, I have three part-time jobs, and as I have said I still believe that not of my time should be wasted. In the morning from 8-12 noon I work as a volunteer in an organization my goal is to gain experience that I can use to apply for a permanent position soon. While my schedule from 1 pm-5 pm is my part-time job. Finally, the other one is from 6 pm-10 pm and there are other commissions inserted between those times. That is what I do every day and I again tell you it is really hard work. Sometimes, I am thinking if all of these are worth it in the end. I have doubts about the outcomes of my hard work. Will it remain a hard one?
Despite everything, I want to trust my hard work. I want to trust my experience. I also want to admit that I have cried so many times because of the pressures that I have given myself. I have developed backaches which always remind me of how I pushed myself to work. I am just twenty-three and this is how I see hard work.